There are times I feel so alone..I could have millions of people around me and still feel like an alien from another world..This is nothing new..I felt like this all my life..I was born with Scoliosis and have had to deal with loads of ignorant people..I would go to school everyday and get bullied and then come outside and get gawked at..People always looked at me like I was a freak..laughing..pointing..staring..I couldn't just enjoy a meal in public..I couldn't just hang out with a friend..I couldn't just live without someone treating me like I was an unknown celebrity...Stares that will haunt me for the rest of my life..It made me feel different..it made me not want to be like anyone else inside..Why would I want to be like the person that stares at me and mocks me..I walk differently and I've had people mock the way I walk..Then now as an adult people stare less..but I got so used to being treated differently that I separated myself..I had to..I found out that i wasn't just different physically..but mentally..I developed Depression at age 10 and anxiety along the way...People treated me differently so i had to be unique inside..I never wanted to be the person that made me feel like crap...I always feel like I dealt with public abuse..My family didn't abuse me but the way i've been treated by people i didn't know or even fake friends..and men have shaped me into a person that is consumed with so much of the past..I always felt like i was a walking "ticking bomb"..I still am...I don't know why im writing all this..maybe because i feel alone right now..People don't know that i go in and out of depressions...there are many times i can't get out of bed or even function..I fight to live mentally..more than anyone knows...I don't think most people could deal with the mind I have..I go from mentally fatigued to irratic at times..I never felt that i fit in..With my neighborhood..with my race..etc...People of my own race put me down more than anyone else..and I never said that out loud but have to now..Now that i think about it..I was always mentally different..Now that im an adult I can't explain who I am inside..but I feel alone..no matter who says they love me..I feel alone..Its hard to trust also because ive been hurt so much..Its not easy to be optimistic..I really need to stop writing this..because its just making me sad
I am just like that too...I find that us "outcasts" are usually more educated, better able to express ourselves more artsy and definately more cautious.
ReplyDeleteI got so that I was tired of people staring at me for no reason, so I gave them one. Mohawk tattoos, pink hair a few different times....but the few friends I had were lifelong ones, and I wouldn't change that for a minute..same way I wouldn't change our friendship in the smallest way. There may be a million people around you, but yours in the opinion I trust, your are a unique soul, and to me that is more valuable than anything. You are free to be yourself. You are a person with incredable strength, and I have always believed these two things. 1. a person is the compilation of their experiences. 2. God will never give you more than you can handle, but boy, some days HE thinks alot of me!