Friday, September 11, 2009

My Mind

I think its about time I bring this up. I have had Major Depression Disorder for about 10 years now and its been hell..Most people don't understand it..even I don't understand it..I have so many ways to describe it...Its like quicksand..its like a light switch...Quicksand because when you're deep in it you can't all...Many people think that because you can't see it that it doesn't exist but definitely exists. There are times Im so depressed that I can't get out of bed..I can't answer the phone..its like a mental fatigue..and at times its like a mental and physical fatigue...The older I get the worst it gets for me...Its crazy because i will feel so mentally fatigued that I actually think im mentally challenged or developing an early kind of Alzheimer's..I call it light switch because I have on and off moments..When I'm on Im doing possibly anything..When I'm off..I can barely appetite is gone..i can barely look at dishes in my sink and my house gets "hoardish"...Unfortunately the last 10 years I've been off..I honestly felt at times that i was on autopilot for some time..Like I do the things im supposed to the point that its too predictable..I also suffer with anxiety issues..I sit around wondering at time when the anxiety started..I think it peaked when I was 18..but I think that I had anxiety all my life..Worry so many nights as a the point that i would wake up the next day with a sick stomach..I had to take Mylanta as directed by a doctor when i was a child b/c my stomach was too nauseous to deal with school the next day...I took my Mylanta and went to school...I was a little worry wort..but atleast as a child I could give my worries over to my mom somewhat..but as an adult I can't give them over to anyone but God...I dont even know if God has the patience for me anymore..I don't know what I can say is worst..Depression or Anxiety..I know the two make a deadly combination...They are both paralyzing in many ways..My anxiety is so bad these days that I have to take a mood stabilizer/sleeping aid..Without my sleeping aid I will be up for days..

There are times I wonder why Im still here...My depression gets so bad that I have to decide "is this the day i finally admit myself to a hospital" There are times I can't function at all and its horrible..and I fight all the time to keep matter what..I have the kind of depression that caused many celebrities to go into a hospital..I mean even Delta Burke had to check herself in..Its very hard b/c doctors don't give you the help you need unless you're in a hospital..but if you just go to a counselor they don't dig deep..they don't try to find out if your depression is caused by a vitamin deficiency..In fact many times you have to be rich in order to get those not rich..I can only get as much as Medicaid can get for me...I remember one time I had to pay 100 dollars out of pocket for Cognitive Therapy..thats when my finances were better..and that was the best form of therapy i ever had...I can't afford that..and even when i paid 100 dollars it was maybe once or twice a month..and I had help..I know for sure right now I need help..I get tired of asking for help b/c I have deal with "oh im sorry you will have to be put on the waiting list" or "oh im sorry we don't take your health plan anymore" or my favorite crappy excuse "oh we don't see people in your zipcode anymore"...I used to have a great therapist at a particular hospital and then that very year when my mom died 2006 ..the year and time of the year i needed the most therapy i was told that after many many years of being a regular ..."im sorry we don't see people in your zipcode anymore"...Ever since then i have been lost..and everytime i call for therapy information i just get more and more mentally fatigued..thats what they don't understand..its like you're on your last breath..and you call and they said "oh im sorry no"...You don't want to call just want help...No matter what health one should be turned away from anywhere..

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