My Mind

I think its about time I bring this up. I have had Major Depression Disorder for about 10 years now and its been hell..Most people don't understand it..even I don't understand it..I have so many ways to describe it...Its like quicksand..its like a light switch...Quicksand because when you're deep in it you can't move..at all...Many people think that because you can't see it that it doesn't exist but definitely exists. There are times Im so depressed that I can't get out of bed..I can't answer the phone..its like a mental fatigue..and at times its like a mental and physical fatigue...The older I get the worst it gets for me...Its crazy because i will feel so mentally fatigued that I actually think im mentally challenged or developing an early kind of Alzheimer's..I call it light switch because I have on and off moments..When I'm on Im cooking..im cleaning..im doing possibly anything..When I'm off..I can barely cook..my appetite is gone..i can barely look at dishes in my sink and my house gets "hoardish"...Unfortunately the last 10 years I've been off..I honestly felt at times that i was on autopilot for some time..Like I do the things im supposed to do..to the point that its too predictable..I also suffer with anxiety issues..I sit around wondering at time when the anxiety started..I think it peaked when I was 18..but I think that I had anxiety all my life..Worry so many nights as a child..to the point that i would wake up the next day with a sick stomach..I had to take Mylanta as directed by a doctor when i was a child b/c my stomach was too nauseous to deal with school the next day...I took my Mylanta and went to school...I was a little worry wort..but atleast as a child I could give my worries over to my mom somewhat..but as an adult I can't give them over to anyone but God...I dont even know if God has the patience for me anymore..I don't know what I can say is worst..Depression or Anxiety..I know the two make a deadly combination...They are both paralyzing in many ways..My anxiety is so bad these days that I have to take a mood stabilizer/sleeping aid..Without my sleeping aid I will be up for days..

There are times I wonder why Im still here...My depression gets so bad that I have to decide "is this the day i finally admit myself to a hospital" There are times I can't function at all and its horrible..and I fight all the time to keep going..no matter what..I have the kind of depression that caused many celebrities to go into a hospital..I mean even Delta Burke had to check herself in..Its very hard b/c doctors don't give you the help you need unless you're in a hospital..but if you just go to a counselor they don't dig deep..they don't try to find out if your depression is caused by a vitamin deficiency..In fact many times you have to be rich in order to get those answers.im not rich..I can only get as much as Medicaid can get for me...I remember one time I had to pay 100 dollars out of pocket for Cognitive Therapy..thats when my finances were better..and that was the best form of therapy i ever had...I can't afford that..and even when i paid 100 dollars it was maybe once or twice a month..and I had help..I know for sure right now I need help..I get tired of asking for help b/c I have deal with "oh im sorry you will have to be put on the waiting list" or "oh im sorry we don't take your health plan anymore" or my favorite crappy excuse "oh we don't see people in your zipcode anymore"...I used to have a great therapist at a particular hospital and then that very year when my mom died 2006 ..the year and time of the year i needed the most therapy i was told that after many many years of being a regular ..."im sorry we don't see people in your zipcode anymore"...Ever since then i have been lost..and everytime i call for therapy information i just get more and more mentally fatigued..thats what they don't understand..its like you're on your last breath..and you call and they said "oh im sorry no"...You don't want to call anymore..you just want help...No matter what health condition..no one should be turned away from anywhere..

Life

I've seen so many people tell me how I should feel..what I should do..how I should deal with whatever..Im tired of it..I believe that we all were dealt a deck of cards..every hand is different..Depending on what hand of cards you're given determines how you will percieve your life. A person that has a great hand can't tell me shit about my hand when i know i was given a challenge. I might not have the worst life or the best life..but I will never tell someone with a serious disease that they can die from that they should "put on a happy face"..There are people that put on a face for show..and then there are people that are just born lucky and happy go lucky...I am not the happy go lucky person...In fact the only thing i can relate to is struggle..Any kind of struggle..for me that is reality..I look up to the people that have struggled and got through to the other side and they use what they learned to educate people...Take what you've learned through your hardships and help someone that is in a position that used to be you..Some people might call me a kill joy or joy kill..I really don't care..but lets be real..People want to tell you how great their life is but they don't want to tell you how they got there...Educate people for God's sake..Half of the shit I've been through I don't think anyone would put on a happy face about..How many of you have gone through a trauma ? How many of you have been victimized?..How many have pressure to be great when someone expects you to fail? How many of you have had to constantly build your self esteem from scratch over and over again? Im trying to be more optimistic in my life..but its not easy when you're a prisoner to a very shaky past..I honestly think the only thing that keeps me from giving up is God..God I don't know how many times I could of died..or almost died...Without God I don't know where i would be.Its very hard to be optimistic when you have a crap load of baggage sitting on your shoulders..So much I need to let go of..To any and all of you reading this..If you have baggage from your past that you need to let go..Let it go here..maybe I will let mine go too

Alone

I have very little words to say right now. At this moment I feel alone and highly stressed. I wish i had a different life. I wish I had better control over my life. I wish God would change my perspective on everything. At this moment everything in my life is distorted. If only things were different. Sometimes I wonder if hell is really on earth. Sometimes i wonder if God cut me off a long time ago. I believe in him but sometimes i wonder if he's tired of hearing me. Oh well.

Alone

There are times I feel so alone..I could have millions of people around me and still feel like an alien from another world..This is nothing new..I felt like this all my life..I was born with Scoliosis and have had to deal with loads of ignorant people..I would go to school everyday and get bullied and then come outside and get gawked at..People always looked at me like I was a freak..laughing..pointing..staring..I couldn't just enjoy a meal in public..I couldn't just hang out with a friend..I couldn't just live without someone treating me like I was an unknown celebrity...Stares that will haunt me for the rest of my life..It made me feel different..it made me not want to be like anyone else inside..Why would I want to be like the person that stares at me and mocks me..I walk differently and I've had people mock the way I walk..Then now as an adult people stare less..but I got so used to being treated differently that I separated myself..I had to..I found out that i wasn't just different physically..but mentally..I developed Depression at age 10 and anxiety along the way...People treated me differently so i had to be unique inside..I never wanted to be the person that made me feel like crap...I always feel like I dealt with public abuse..My family didn't abuse me but the way i've been treated by people i didn't know or even fake friends..and men have shaped me into a person that is consumed with so much of the past..I always felt like i was a walking "ticking bomb"..I still am...I don't know why im writing all this..maybe because i feel alone right now..People don't know that i go in and out of depressions...there are many times i can't get out of bed or even function..I fight to live mentally..more than anyone knows...I don't think most people could deal with the mind I have..I go from mentally fatigued to irratic at times..I never felt that i fit in..With my neighborhood..with my race..etc...People of my own race put me down more than anyone else..and I never said that out loud but have to now..Now that i think about it..I was always mentally different..Now that im an adult I can't explain who I am inside..but I feel alone..no matter who says they love me..I feel alone..Its hard to trust also because ive been hurt so much..Its not easy to be optimistic..I really need to stop writing this..because its just making me sad

I Am More

I am more than

My name.

I am more than

My heritage.

I am more than

My financial status

I am more than

My shortcomings

I am more than

My disease

I am more than

My disability

I am more than

My hardships

I am more than

What you think of me.

I am me

A human being.


by sistapoetry

A new beginning

My cat got sick twice yesterday in my apartment and it just pissed me off..I got so mad that I got the mop and just started manically mopping the house..I think that energy stayed with me when I woke up because I just took loads of crap out of my room and starting throwing papers away..I went in my aunt's room and started throwing clothes out...with no problem..What I did was put in my mind "these are not her clothes..these things mean nothing"..I think I kept labeling these clothes as belonging to her and it made it harder to go near them..Like it was forbidden to go near her belongings..I took the mental label off the clothes and started going outside throwing the clothes out...I will donate my mom's clothes..but my aunt's clothes I need to get out of here right away..My mom's clothes are in boxes..my aunt's clothes are all over the place...I know why i think too much about things I don't do what im supposed to do..I get emotionally attached and its wrong..If I can detach my emotions from these materials or just anything and make decisions then I can do anything...I want to thank my family(friend on twitter) for motivating me after reading my first blog. and motivating me everyday..I will write more next time

I need help

I either barely talk about it or don't talk about it at all.. I live in an apartment that some of my family lived in until they got old enough to move out and leave.Though we called this my grandmother's apartment..then she died I think when I was 12...After that it was my mother, my aunt , and I all in this apartment..three bedrooms..don't ask me how we all fit in here...In 2006 my mom died from Diabetic complications..and I was left with tons of clothes and medical equipment ..a camode(portable toilet)..a hospital bed..a wheelchair...a prosthetic leg (she was an amputee from the diabetes)..a huge box of gauze bandages..etc...It took me awhile to go in her room...then it took me awhile to look at her stuff..then my aunt started to mention to me "its time to pack up her stuff"..this was like 2008..my aunt was also an ill person (diabetes and kidney failure and other things)..so she had a home attendant go in my mom's room and pack up clothes and put them in boxes..we were supposed to get the Salvation Army to come get that stuff...never got them over here...then at the end of 2008 in December my aunt passed away..We still don't know what from..her sugar was very low and she had this condition called nephrogenic systemic fibrosis..we got an autopsy done and haven't found out results yet..Well after she died I was left with another camode..much more clothing...a walker..canes..loads more of stuff...my aunt was a pack rat...Again it took me awhile to go into my aunt's room..and now i can..but I dont' know what to do with all this stuff...There are old clothes she never wore...this camode she used..loads of stuff..I don't know where to throw some of this stuff out at..i don't know what can be donated..I have no idea...at the same time I am trying to get a transfer to another neighborhood..because i have a three bedroom..and need to transfer to a one bedroom...I am so frustrated..I am angry that my mom and aunt both died and saddened by it..but im also angry that I have to figure out what to do with all this stuff..plus I have closets filled with old childhood toys from my childhood and other family members...I don't know who to call..or what to do..I feel like im a prisoner to all of these things...and I want out...My family hasn't stepped in to help...My sister is in Miami but she came to visit here a few months ago and picked through things that she wanted...she told me to throw everything out..I have to think about two things..what can I throw out..and how i will have money to move...at the same time I am emotionally attached because I feel like im throwing my aunt and my mom away...I have gotten physically ill over what to do with all this stuff...I know I need counseling..but I also need to get this stuff out of here..Ive had panic attacks over going through all this stuff...I'm wondering do any of you know any foundations..organizations..numbers i could call to figure out what i can do with all this stuff....Some things i want to sell so that i can have money to move..I don't know where..there are old cd's..old cassettes..there are tons of old albums in my house...I need help badly...Does anyone know what i can do..