Alone

There are times I feel so alone..I could have millions of people around me and still feel like an alien from another world..This is nothing new..I felt like this all my life..I was born with Scoliosis and have had to deal with loads of ignorant people..I would go to school everyday and get bullied and then come outside and get gawked at..People always looked at me like I was a freak..laughing..pointing..staring..I couldn't just enjoy a meal in public..I couldn't just hang out with a friend..I couldn't just live without someone treating me like I was an unknown celebrity...Stares that will haunt me for the rest of my life..It made me feel different..it made me not want to be like anyone else inside..Why would I want to be like the person that stares at me and mocks me..I walk differently and I've had people mock the way I walk..Then now as an adult people stare less..but I got so used to being treated differently that I separated myself..I had to..I found out that i wasn't just different physically..but mentally..I developed Depression at age 10 and anxiety along the way...People treated me differently so i had to be unique inside..I never wanted to be the person that made me feel like crap...I always feel like I dealt with public abuse..My family didn't abuse me but the way i've been treated by people i didn't know or even fake friends..and men have shaped me into a person that is consumed with so much of the past..I always felt like i was a walking "ticking bomb"..I still am...I don't know why im writing all this..maybe because i feel alone right now..People don't know that i go in and out of depressions...there are many times i can't get out of bed or even function..I fight to live mentally..more than anyone knows...I don't think most people could deal with the mind I have..I go from mentally fatigued to irratic at times..I never felt that i fit in..With my neighborhood..with my race..etc...People of my own race put me down more than anyone else..and I never said that out loud but have to now..Now that i think about it..I was always mentally different..Now that im an adult I can't explain who I am inside..but I feel alone..no matter who says they love me..I feel alone..Its hard to trust also because ive been hurt so much..Its not easy to be optimistic..I really need to stop writing this..because its just making me sad

I Am More

I am more than

My name.

I am more than

My heritage.

I am more than

My financial status

I am more than

My shortcomings

I am more than

My disease

I am more than

My disability

I am more than

My hardships

I am more than

What you think of me.

I am me

A human being.


by sistapoetry

A new beginning

My cat got sick twice yesterday in my apartment and it just pissed me off..I got so mad that I got the mop and just started manically mopping the house..I think that energy stayed with me when I woke up because I just took loads of crap out of my room and starting throwing papers away..I went in my aunt's room and started throwing clothes out...with no problem..What I did was put in my mind "these are not her clothes..these things mean nothing"..I think I kept labeling these clothes as belonging to her and it made it harder to go near them..Like it was forbidden to go near her belongings..I took the mental label off the clothes and started going outside throwing the clothes out...I will donate my mom's clothes..but my aunt's clothes I need to get out of here right away..My mom's clothes are in boxes..my aunt's clothes are all over the place...I know why i think too much about things I don't do what im supposed to do..I get emotionally attached and its wrong..If I can detach my emotions from these materials or just anything and make decisions then I can do anything...I want to thank my family(friend on twitter) for motivating me after reading my first blog. and motivating me everyday..I will write more next time

I need help

I either barely talk about it or don't talk about it at all.. I live in an apartment that some of my family lived in until they got old enough to move out and leave.Though we called this my grandmother's apartment..then she died I think when I was 12...After that it was my mother, my aunt , and I all in this apartment..three bedrooms..don't ask me how we all fit in here...In 2006 my mom died from Diabetic complications..and I was left with tons of clothes and medical equipment ..a camode(portable toilet)..a hospital bed..a wheelchair...a prosthetic leg (she was an amputee from the diabetes)..a huge box of gauze bandages..etc...It took me awhile to go in her room...then it took me awhile to look at her stuff..then my aunt started to mention to me "its time to pack up her stuff"..this was like 2008..my aunt was also an ill person (diabetes and kidney failure and other things)..so she had a home attendant go in my mom's room and pack up clothes and put them in boxes..we were supposed to get the Salvation Army to come get that stuff...never got them over here...then at the end of 2008 in December my aunt passed away..We still don't know what from..her sugar was very low and she had this condition called nephrogenic systemic fibrosis..we got an autopsy done and haven't found out results yet..Well after she died I was left with another camode..much more clothing...a walker..canes..loads more of stuff...my aunt was a pack rat...Again it took me awhile to go into my aunt's room..and now i can..but I dont' know what to do with all this stuff...There are old clothes she never wore...this camode she used..loads of stuff..I don't know where to throw some of this stuff out at..i don't know what can be donated..I have no idea...at the same time I am trying to get a transfer to another neighborhood..because i have a three bedroom..and need to transfer to a one bedroom...I am so frustrated..I am angry that my mom and aunt both died and saddened by it..but im also angry that I have to figure out what to do with all this stuff..plus I have closets filled with old childhood toys from my childhood and other family members...I don't know who to call..or what to do..I feel like im a prisoner to all of these things...and I want out...My family hasn't stepped in to help...My sister is in Miami but she came to visit here a few months ago and picked through things that she wanted...she told me to throw everything out..I have to think about two things..what can I throw out..and how i will have money to move...at the same time I am emotionally attached because I feel like im throwing my aunt and my mom away...I have gotten physically ill over what to do with all this stuff...I know I need counseling..but I also need to get this stuff out of here..Ive had panic attacks over going through all this stuff...I'm wondering do any of you know any foundations..organizations..numbers i could call to figure out what i can do with all this stuff....Some things i want to sell so that i can have money to move..I don't know where..there are old cd's..old cassettes..there are tons of old albums in my house...I need help badly...Does anyone know what i can do..